Do I even exist?
I know that my existence isn't reliant on others. On the validation from others. Yet when I've spent...well over 4 years pursuing a career in Media....it's very much so. The validity of my choices and life path, rests on my success, which in a career in media, is fame and recognition. So when I am not recognized or validated by others, it in turn destroys the choices I've made. Like dropping out. I tell anyone that'll listen to STAY IN SCHOOL. But see, that always comes from one who made that choice and is hurting badly. One who is successful could not recommend it enough.
I hear about all these entrepreneurs making money from all these weird ways. All these odd tricks. And in ways, I feel like I've done everything. Not that I've tried it all, and of course not "everything". But that which I could have done
I know I know, there's so many excuses and no one cares. Not a soul cares. Maybe not a soul is reading this. But, it's a very different perspective than the hundreds, probably thousands of journal entries I've written and typed.
It's like I teeter on the verge of depressed wreck and joyous bubble. And journalling is what keeps me on the good side. Just barely. It's what's saving me from falling over into the abyss
Right well there's so many excuses and you just gotta make it happen. Nothing is given. Well I've tried SO hard. And people around me have that shit fed to them. Literally fed to them! It's ridiculous. That's why I truly ask if I even exist...
Not one of my things have even gone semi-viral. Oh right, a reaction video with a buddy of mine got 16k. whoopty do. Some of my songs are at 20k, okay cool. Soundcloud woot. Yeah. But see the likelihood of none of my things even going semi viral, is actually LESS than the likelihood of them actually going semi viral LOL. how funny is that. There's Instagram comments too ya know, so the likelihood of none of my shots actually connecting at all...so ridiculous.
I wonder if the world is my hell. hahahahaa. this world is my hell. To slave for something for so long and it's just ever so close. ever so close. and those around you fucking flick of the wrist make it happen. that is hell right. like atlas pushing the boulder up the hill. It's so odd that I've read all this spirituality, and I know better. you can look on the better side. Yet this still built up. or it just came about last night really.
Hell....self created. They say it's the
I can look on the bright side....but this still exists. No matter how much I can keep my mind positive and focus on the good. This still exists. and has existed. and that's what bothers me so much. Like my entire life is.....stuck on this one goal. hinging on this goal. is ever wandering. Well, as any logical person would say. give up the goal. move on. (and that's when you'll get it. when you truly stop caring about something, you get it, as odd as it is)
But how crazy is that. Give up what you've worked for, and then you can truly have it. Anywho, I've done that too. I've moved on. Though writing this I wrote "when you truly stop caring". I don't know if I've truly stopped. I definitely stopped though. Moved on to other goals. Other endeavors. Entirely. And...somehow wound up back at music. Not even somehow, I remember it exactly. I stopped caring about my music so I thought hey I'm gonna play some music, and I listened to music and then found myself thinking pshhh I can do that. I can do that even better. n back to music I went.
This is when I say hate is better than neglect. Just being nowhere. My shit can get like 100 views. I don't even get it.
I don't know if there's something to get. The world never accepted my content. And me by extent. The world never accepted me. Well hey, do you need them to accept you? yes and no. No, if you live a world that is solely independent, which almost no one does. No one wants to be asexual, a recluse -- even if they're pursuing a degree at a college for an eventual 9 - 5. Which I have immense respect for, mind you.
So yes, even they want some acceptance. They might desire a certain girl to like them too, or any girl lol. Maybe, some friends for buddies. They would accept them as they are, not push them away. Not resist them. I've been resisted far too long in my life. It is deeply ingrained in my head. That is my issue. That is one of my issues hah. Or what if I say that is my issue. and everything clears from that. I've been resisted far too long. and it's so deeply ingrained. recognizing is the first step. Yet only the first. But yes. That is an issue for me.
I dont even think an endless amount of acceptance can change that. The opposite cannot fix that. If you have a bad cut, no matter how much healing that happens, there's still a scar. Moreover, what if it just got worse and worse. And by the time you're trying to heal it....It's already badly healed. Now are you applying cover up? what are you doing? surgically opening the wound to have it re-close? sounds like the most logical thing you can do. in this situation. to have it heal better.
well, anyone who in the past has resisted me, neglected me, ignored me. I dont hold it on them. I dont hold it to anyone, not myself either. It is the way the dice rolls. The way it goes. What was destined for me. For me to be whatever and who ever I am. In many ways. In every way. Whether that then means a failing comedian and rapper, so be it. If that's 30 at my parents' place. So be it. That is the life I am deserving...? That is the life I could possibly see. If that is on my path so be it. Yet I am hopeful for and I manifest more.
That's such an interesting thing. I've tried everything. I've tried manifesting, and all those other worldly things. People might say hey it's not that serious. I mean surely 15 year old kids that make it as rappers aren't manifesting and affirming their worth, journalling, meditating. I'm SURE they aren't. And some might say yeah yknow it's not that serious. I've tried that too. I've tried just doing my task / my art. I've tried doing it with good intentions, visualizing, yada yada. I've tried it all. and I get nothing. Nada. N god wants that. For whatever reason. For whatever reason. For me to maybe then write posts like this. For me to do whatever is next for me, to be a sad comic. and the next thing too. it's all destined. Or maybe that's my full circle.
I don't know. it's crazy. after feeling for so long that music was my purpose, after so much time of again, resistance, or, not acceptance, it became..........meaningless. Not only that it was a losing affair, but it couldn't truly be my purpose if it didn't resonate with the world. I find that our purpose / meaning here, is a cross between talent and reception. The world enjoys your talent in that field and you enjoy putting out that thing. So just me enjoying it...doesn't fully matter. Or rather, my enjoyment in it even dipped as the reception didn't sprout. It becomes....solely a me thing. And that's no fun. I mean a me thing would be fine if it's like. solely a me thing. Like solo video games, which weren't fun either. Nothing was fun. Nothing is fun. So I stopped them all. I need to redefine fun. Pornography. Maybe the one thing I didn't entirely stop. Though I've stopped that too and haven't found any joy. Am I doing everything for joy? It makes it seem like such a hedonistic, wrong chase. Yet. That isn't so wrong. To desire and bring happiness into your life. Yet...I'm doing it for feeling. any semblance of feeling. ANY!? any. I don't get any. Not my spiritual music outside or my journaling or playing a video game. None of it feels like anything. I can feel negative feelings, but I feel very little positive feelings. Only carbs. Bready, starchy carbs. and porn. Even that however isn't entirely positive is it? We have an attachment of positive feeling with the feelings from sex, being turned on and orgasm. Yet that could also be associated with negative feelings. In other words, it's its own feeling. It's not positive or negative. It just is. It's a different path, different neurological path in the brain, different sensor, different sensation. And yes, it's associated with positive. So other things could be associated with positive. In fact, nothing is associated with positive for me. I can create that connection. Cause even video games weren't positive for me. Even sitting outside journalling or editing a video isn't for me. Yet it should be. It could be. If I am aware that I am doing the best thing for me in that moment, then what else could matter? rather. If I am aware that I am doing the best thing for me in that moment, then that is the utmost joy. Other things can still matter. and there can be utmost joy. Joy doesn't necessarily have to be a freeing process. Joy can also be, tight. Deciphered. As in, the next things are solved. Joy can be a comforting place. Rather than freeing. A truly healed mind makes no plans says Alan Cohen. That's a lot how today went. In fact, that's entirely how today went. At no point did I stop to question what I would do or why or how. I just did things. And they went sequentially well. I did laundry and put it all away. And yeah. wow. cool. But, they still give me no feeling. In fact I totally forgot about laundry. And the things like Tik Toks...well, if no one else finds humor in them, it makes you really doubt your own "definition" or perception of humor. Same with music. Like hey if I think this is so dope but it is not being accepted or well received. You start to think - you're the problem. Or moreso, you doubt your perception of good and bad. You doubt your perception of dope and trash. Of funny and stupid. And that's where you lose the joy. I mean if you make these funny ass Tik Toks and you love them, but no one else does. It's like. Well what's the point. I'm not sitting there and looking back at all these videos. They are literally for others to enjoy! The music fine, I love it. But it doesn't give me utmost joy just listening to it. I love it. n I love that I can make it. I love that it's me. I love everything about it. Yet its existence is meaningless if it doesn't go anywhere. In fact it's entirely a distraction from anything fruitful in this world. Right if I have a fruitful path going, then maybe its joy would come about again. But. it's all hopefuls. Nothing truly feels joyous ultimately.
Nothing feels like anything
When I make music, yeah I laugh and stuff and it feels good. It feels good. But that feeling seems diminished or small..because others dont feel it too? something like that.
Its anti climactic. When I put out what I enjoyed a lot, and no one else enjoys it. It feels like....am I the only one that enjoyed it? and so what if I am?! Nothing wrong with it...It's just not right for a career. And that's what it is. And that's always part of what it will be. It can never truly be as a side. Because I would always want it to be successful for me. I would always want it to be a career. I would always want that recognition. And I have the balls to say it. Some people may want to run from that but I truly want it and I have no shame saying it. I've worked for 5 years for it to take me somewhere. To billboard. Not just for myself to enjoy it.
Like yes, I enjoy it, and it is made with my enjoyment and perspective in mind. But that isn't the intended goal. That I, only I sit and enjoy it. It is I and others. In fact, Tyler says make music for yourself. But it's ultimately a different perspective when you already have hundreds of thousands of followers that are skewing you, and then he says make music for yourself. Because then he needs to listen to his inner voice and make music that resonates with him. whether that's flower boy or different kindsa shit. It's all music that he felt / feels resonated with him at the time
and I feel the same! I truly do. I have always made music I liked.
Andy Warhol says there's a difference between an artist and a commercial artist. I think I've always been wary of this. And I've made commercially wise music. Music that fits commercially. That I enjoy too. Anyway....it got me nowhere right.
Well - Those that go to college and aim for the 9 to 5, simple college goers. Well, personally I think no one is simple - everyone has their desires. Their expertise. Their....passions. Some might enjoy Tik Tok, some like IM basketball. Some might be dancers. etc. etc. Well. what about someone who likes an organized sport that didn't make the team. Maybe someone really likes cheer but she didn't make the team. She can't pursue that on her own. Fuck no you can't cheer alone. Damn. what about her? What about her perspective. Or her thoughts and perspective. I don't know... I really don't know................I suppose eventually it might just fade away. but see, that's just a passion too. That wasn't something they felt would take them as a career. But it is something that brought them joy. It was / is their passion. Like the college goer who loves kicking ass at IM basketball, or cheer. Their school is their fruitful endeavor, and the other is their physical activity and passion. So what if she loses that. Well, she can find another passion. Develop another passion. Can't I?
Well I think I truly have no passion. If everything for me is seeking income or........they're not seeking income but. seeking.................career. viral. success. If everything for me is seeking success, it's no longer a passion. It's not "work", but it's not truly for fun. It has some attachment. It isn't with no goal in mind - for fun - or a passion. It isn't done entirely for the self. Yes I enjoy making them. Well. There it is? No? I enjoy making them....yet when they aren't enjoyed by others.....? hm. it isn't done entirely for the self.......yeah I enjoy making them but. The goal isn't reached. The goal isn't hit. The goal of some semi - viral nature. Some online success. So when that goal isn't hit, it becomes less and less joyful. I mean at this point, there's no joy. It's like a fear of loss thing now, where I know nothing feels like anything, but one has some tangible product. So I journal and make videos. Yeah video games feel about the same, yet I choose to do the productive things because they don't have that bad feeling attached of being unproductive. I think it's redefining positivity. Redefining good. Redefining happy. Because I've had too crazy of a definition for happy for a while, I've known that. And good. Well, the right thing for me in the moment is good is it not? When I work out or meditate or journal. Is that not the best I could be doing in that moment? Everything can't be oh I need success now and every moment should be directly propelling me to success. Because in ways, even this is indirectly propelling me to success. All those that I mentioned. Journalling, meditating, working out. And it's discrediting to not recognize their importance in my day to day. Well I do! but again, it' like a fear of loss thing. Where it feels worse when I don't do them. But it doesn't really matter when I do. Or like. Yeah. But it feels bad when I don't.
People sell their soul for success. I have no soul and no success.
Redefining good. Right because nothing feels good, I have to tell my body what feels good. Well, being outside, in the fresh air, eating or listening to comedy or spiritual music. With nothing on my mind. Yet again, happiness doesn't have to be freeing. It doesn't have to be nothing on my mind. It can be to have things on my mind. Happiness can exist regardless. Just to have the time. To do such a thing. This must be such an odd and particular time for everyone. Being at home. For me, it's something I've lived before. For years. 3+ years. Crazy the time I started school back up, this happens. The one thing that was actually going great for me. Meeting a ton of people. Truly enjoying myself. And this happens. Obviously it did a lot and probably ruined a lot for a lot of people, but. this was like my only win. I don't know. I'm so confused. Do I accept my life as a loser, or do I....chase wins? for more. lol. for longer. I'm twenty fucking three. How crazy. I remember thinking yeah by 23 it's time to start thinking about moving out. And I can too I believe. Doing a full time job and rooming with someone. or a shmunky place. They have some options where you could wrap up in 800 ya know. Then to earn that. welll that's just 200 a week. not bad. Food n shit. 1000 a month you should be good. not bad. whats minimum wage making anyway. 400 dollars a week hah. anyway. that's not too big of a concern. I know I can do that. Yet. what good would that life be. I mean. A rebirth. in ways. Even more satisfying than taking your life. I can agree. A rebirth.
To go off the map. This map. This map that I am currently beknownst to.
What good would that life be. as in. Work my daily job, come home and eat.
Yeah....like I used to think when I moved out, to make money to just survive. like make money to eat to make money.
Yet what's so truly bad about that? more than half the world does it. And. there would be things to live for and enjoy too. Tinder dates. Or just. dates with women. Clubbing. Wow I love how the first thing that I say is a date. Yet, maybe that's partly how I'm....cultured? raised? no. none of those hahahaa. How I'm wired. To date and have a rotation or to build a relationship of some kind. And then what, still continue my online media shenanigans in hopes of being saved from that life? cause that life would go nowhere. But where does it need to go? That is life itself. that is. sustainability. Maybe that's not how I would define success. But to stay in a place, and fend for myself. That's sustainable.
*spends an hour looking at places and jobs on craigslist*
So if the problem is just the lack of success with my chosen career in media. Or my desired career in media, then that's....the same as many. California, where dreams go to die. SO many are obviously suffering this fate. So if it's only about choice in media. It's not that big of a deal. It's not actually life or death. It just feels like life or death. Cause it's life or death of that mind. That dream. That life I pictured for myself. Yeah it seems right, to be living amongst Tik Tokers, or whoever. That's in ways, the life I prepped myself for and imagined. But there's plenty of people like that. And if I work and survive / sustain, what's the worst that would happen there? I never buy a house and have a family? Big deal. If I sustain and make my media, I think that's all that matters to me. Especially when I say I enjoy it. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks then. If I work 8 hours a day, well, that's what most people do. Even some that are in the industry.
Okay wow. in a roundabout, inspiring.
hah.
Didn't expect any positive end from that whole spiel. seems I've found one.
I hear about all these entrepreneurs making money from all these weird ways. All these odd tricks. And in ways, I feel like I've done everything. Not that I've tried it all, and of course not "everything". But that which I could have done
I know I know, there's so many excuses and no one cares. Not a soul cares. Maybe not a soul is reading this. But, it's a very different perspective than the hundreds, probably thousands of journal entries I've written and typed.
It's like I teeter on the verge of depressed wreck and joyous bubble. And journalling is what keeps me on the good side. Just barely. It's what's saving me from falling over into the abyss
Right well there's so many excuses and you just gotta make it happen. Nothing is given. Well I've tried SO hard. And people around me have that shit fed to them. Literally fed to them! It's ridiculous. That's why I truly ask if I even exist...
Not one of my things have even gone semi-viral. Oh right, a reaction video with a buddy of mine got 16k. whoopty do. Some of my songs are at 20k, okay cool. Soundcloud woot. Yeah. But see the likelihood of none of my things even going semi viral, is actually LESS than the likelihood of them actually going semi viral LOL. how funny is that. There's Instagram comments too ya know, so the likelihood of none of my shots actually connecting at all...so ridiculous.
I wonder if the world is my hell. hahahahaa. this world is my hell. To slave for something for so long and it's just ever so close. ever so close. and those around you fucking flick of the wrist make it happen. that is hell right. like atlas pushing the boulder up the hill. It's so odd that I've read all this spirituality, and I know better. you can look on the better side. Yet this still built up. or it just came about last night really.
Hell....self created. They say it's the
I can look on the bright side....but this still exists. No matter how much I can keep my mind positive and focus on the good. This still exists. and has existed. and that's what bothers me so much. Like my entire life is.....stuck on this one goal. hinging on this goal. is ever wandering. Well, as any logical person would say. give up the goal. move on. (and that's when you'll get it. when you truly stop caring about something, you get it, as odd as it is)
But how crazy is that. Give up what you've worked for, and then you can truly have it. Anywho, I've done that too. I've moved on. Though writing this I wrote "when you truly stop caring". I don't know if I've truly stopped. I definitely stopped though. Moved on to other goals. Other endeavors. Entirely. And...somehow wound up back at music. Not even somehow, I remember it exactly. I stopped caring about my music so I thought hey I'm gonna play some music, and I listened to music and then found myself thinking pshhh I can do that. I can do that even better. n back to music I went.
This is when I say hate is better than neglect. Just being nowhere. My shit can get like 100 views. I don't even get it.
I don't know if there's something to get. The world never accepted my content. And me by extent. The world never accepted me. Well hey, do you need them to accept you? yes and no. No, if you live a world that is solely independent, which almost no one does. No one wants to be asexual, a recluse -- even if they're pursuing a degree at a college for an eventual 9 - 5. Which I have immense respect for, mind you.
So yes, even they want some acceptance. They might desire a certain girl to like them too, or any girl lol. Maybe, some friends for buddies. They would accept them as they are, not push them away. Not resist them. I've been resisted far too long in my life. It is deeply ingrained in my head. That is my issue. That is one of my issues hah. Or what if I say that is my issue. and everything clears from that. I've been resisted far too long. and it's so deeply ingrained. recognizing is the first step. Yet only the first. But yes. That is an issue for me.
I dont even think an endless amount of acceptance can change that. The opposite cannot fix that. If you have a bad cut, no matter how much healing that happens, there's still a scar. Moreover, what if it just got worse and worse. And by the time you're trying to heal it....It's already badly healed. Now are you applying cover up? what are you doing? surgically opening the wound to have it re-close? sounds like the most logical thing you can do. in this situation. to have it heal better.
well, anyone who in the past has resisted me, neglected me, ignored me. I dont hold it on them. I dont hold it to anyone, not myself either. It is the way the dice rolls. The way it goes. What was destined for me. For me to be whatever and who ever I am. In many ways. In every way. Whether that then means a failing comedian and rapper, so be it. If that's 30 at my parents' place. So be it. That is the life I am deserving...? That is the life I could possibly see. If that is on my path so be it. Yet I am hopeful for and I manifest more.
That's such an interesting thing. I've tried everything. I've tried manifesting, and all those other worldly things. People might say hey it's not that serious. I mean surely 15 year old kids that make it as rappers aren't manifesting and affirming their worth, journalling, meditating. I'm SURE they aren't. And some might say yeah yknow it's not that serious. I've tried that too. I've tried just doing my task / my art. I've tried doing it with good intentions, visualizing, yada yada. I've tried it all. and I get nothing. Nada. N god wants that. For whatever reason. For whatever reason. For me to maybe then write posts like this. For me to do whatever is next for me, to be a sad comic. and the next thing too. it's all destined. Or maybe that's my full circle.
I don't know. it's crazy. after feeling for so long that music was my purpose, after so much time of again, resistance, or, not acceptance, it became..........meaningless. Not only that it was a losing affair, but it couldn't truly be my purpose if it didn't resonate with the world. I find that our purpose / meaning here, is a cross between talent and reception. The world enjoys your talent in that field and you enjoy putting out that thing. So just me enjoying it...doesn't fully matter. Or rather, my enjoyment in it even dipped as the reception didn't sprout. It becomes....solely a me thing. And that's no fun. I mean a me thing would be fine if it's like. solely a me thing. Like solo video games, which weren't fun either. Nothing was fun. Nothing is fun. So I stopped them all. I need to redefine fun. Pornography. Maybe the one thing I didn't entirely stop. Though I've stopped that too and haven't found any joy. Am I doing everything for joy? It makes it seem like such a hedonistic, wrong chase. Yet. That isn't so wrong. To desire and bring happiness into your life. Yet...I'm doing it for feeling. any semblance of feeling. ANY!? any. I don't get any. Not my spiritual music outside or my journaling or playing a video game. None of it feels like anything. I can feel negative feelings, but I feel very little positive feelings. Only carbs. Bready, starchy carbs. and porn. Even that however isn't entirely positive is it? We have an attachment of positive feeling with the feelings from sex, being turned on and orgasm. Yet that could also be associated with negative feelings. In other words, it's its own feeling. It's not positive or negative. It just is. It's a different path, different neurological path in the brain, different sensor, different sensation. And yes, it's associated with positive. So other things could be associated with positive. In fact, nothing is associated with positive for me. I can create that connection. Cause even video games weren't positive for me. Even sitting outside journalling or editing a video isn't for me. Yet it should be. It could be. If I am aware that I am doing the best thing for me in that moment, then what else could matter? rather. If I am aware that I am doing the best thing for me in that moment, then that is the utmost joy. Other things can still matter. and there can be utmost joy. Joy doesn't necessarily have to be a freeing process. Joy can also be, tight. Deciphered. As in, the next things are solved. Joy can be a comforting place. Rather than freeing. A truly healed mind makes no plans says Alan Cohen. That's a lot how today went. In fact, that's entirely how today went. At no point did I stop to question what I would do or why or how. I just did things. And they went sequentially well. I did laundry and put it all away. And yeah. wow. cool. But, they still give me no feeling. In fact I totally forgot about laundry. And the things like Tik Toks...well, if no one else finds humor in them, it makes you really doubt your own "definition" or perception of humor. Same with music. Like hey if I think this is so dope but it is not being accepted or well received. You start to think - you're the problem. Or moreso, you doubt your perception of good and bad. You doubt your perception of dope and trash. Of funny and stupid. And that's where you lose the joy. I mean if you make these funny ass Tik Toks and you love them, but no one else does. It's like. Well what's the point. I'm not sitting there and looking back at all these videos. They are literally for others to enjoy! The music fine, I love it. But it doesn't give me utmost joy just listening to it. I love it. n I love that I can make it. I love that it's me. I love everything about it. Yet its existence is meaningless if it doesn't go anywhere. In fact it's entirely a distraction from anything fruitful in this world. Right if I have a fruitful path going, then maybe its joy would come about again. But. it's all hopefuls. Nothing truly feels joyous ultimately.
Nothing feels like anything
When I make music, yeah I laugh and stuff and it feels good. It feels good. But that feeling seems diminished or small..because others dont feel it too? something like that.
Its anti climactic. When I put out what I enjoyed a lot, and no one else enjoys it. It feels like....am I the only one that enjoyed it? and so what if I am?! Nothing wrong with it...It's just not right for a career. And that's what it is. And that's always part of what it will be. It can never truly be as a side. Because I would always want it to be successful for me. I would always want it to be a career. I would always want that recognition. And I have the balls to say it. Some people may want to run from that but I truly want it and I have no shame saying it. I've worked for 5 years for it to take me somewhere. To billboard. Not just for myself to enjoy it.
Like yes, I enjoy it, and it is made with my enjoyment and perspective in mind. But that isn't the intended goal. That I, only I sit and enjoy it. It is I and others. In fact, Tyler says make music for yourself. But it's ultimately a different perspective when you already have hundreds of thousands of followers that are skewing you, and then he says make music for yourself. Because then he needs to listen to his inner voice and make music that resonates with him. whether that's flower boy or different kindsa shit. It's all music that he felt / feels resonated with him at the time
and I feel the same! I truly do. I have always made music I liked.
Andy Warhol says there's a difference between an artist and a commercial artist. I think I've always been wary of this. And I've made commercially wise music. Music that fits commercially. That I enjoy too. Anyway....it got me nowhere right.
Well - Those that go to college and aim for the 9 to 5, simple college goers. Well, personally I think no one is simple - everyone has their desires. Their expertise. Their....passions. Some might enjoy Tik Tok, some like IM basketball. Some might be dancers. etc. etc. Well. what about someone who likes an organized sport that didn't make the team. Maybe someone really likes cheer but she didn't make the team. She can't pursue that on her own. Fuck no you can't cheer alone. Damn. what about her? What about her perspective. Or her thoughts and perspective. I don't know... I really don't know................I suppose eventually it might just fade away. but see, that's just a passion too. That wasn't something they felt would take them as a career. But it is something that brought them joy. It was / is their passion. Like the college goer who loves kicking ass at IM basketball, or cheer. Their school is their fruitful endeavor, and the other is their physical activity and passion. So what if she loses that. Well, she can find another passion. Develop another passion. Can't I?
Well I think I truly have no passion. If everything for me is seeking income or........they're not seeking income but. seeking.................career. viral. success. If everything for me is seeking success, it's no longer a passion. It's not "work", but it's not truly for fun. It has some attachment. It isn't with no goal in mind - for fun - or a passion. It isn't done entirely for the self. Yes I enjoy making them. Well. There it is? No? I enjoy making them....yet when they aren't enjoyed by others.....? hm. it isn't done entirely for the self.......yeah I enjoy making them but. The goal isn't reached. The goal isn't hit. The goal of some semi - viral nature. Some online success. So when that goal isn't hit, it becomes less and less joyful. I mean at this point, there's no joy. It's like a fear of loss thing now, where I know nothing feels like anything, but one has some tangible product. So I journal and make videos. Yeah video games feel about the same, yet I choose to do the productive things because they don't have that bad feeling attached of being unproductive. I think it's redefining positivity. Redefining good. Redefining happy. Because I've had too crazy of a definition for happy for a while, I've known that. And good. Well, the right thing for me in the moment is good is it not? When I work out or meditate or journal. Is that not the best I could be doing in that moment? Everything can't be oh I need success now and every moment should be directly propelling me to success. Because in ways, even this is indirectly propelling me to success. All those that I mentioned. Journalling, meditating, working out. And it's discrediting to not recognize their importance in my day to day. Well I do! but again, it' like a fear of loss thing. Where it feels worse when I don't do them. But it doesn't really matter when I do. Or like. Yeah. But it feels bad when I don't.
People sell their soul for success. I have no soul and no success.
Redefining good. Right because nothing feels good, I have to tell my body what feels good. Well, being outside, in the fresh air, eating or listening to comedy or spiritual music. With nothing on my mind. Yet again, happiness doesn't have to be freeing. It doesn't have to be nothing on my mind. It can be to have things on my mind. Happiness can exist regardless. Just to have the time. To do such a thing. This must be such an odd and particular time for everyone. Being at home. For me, it's something I've lived before. For years. 3+ years. Crazy the time I started school back up, this happens. The one thing that was actually going great for me. Meeting a ton of people. Truly enjoying myself. And this happens. Obviously it did a lot and probably ruined a lot for a lot of people, but. this was like my only win. I don't know. I'm so confused. Do I accept my life as a loser, or do I....chase wins? for more. lol. for longer. I'm twenty fucking three. How crazy. I remember thinking yeah by 23 it's time to start thinking about moving out. And I can too I believe. Doing a full time job and rooming with someone. or a shmunky place. They have some options where you could wrap up in 800 ya know. Then to earn that. welll that's just 200 a week. not bad. Food n shit. 1000 a month you should be good. not bad. whats minimum wage making anyway. 400 dollars a week hah. anyway. that's not too big of a concern. I know I can do that. Yet. what good would that life be. I mean. A rebirth. in ways. Even more satisfying than taking your life. I can agree. A rebirth.
To go off the map. This map. This map that I am currently beknownst to.
What good would that life be. as in. Work my daily job, come home and eat.
Yeah....like I used to think when I moved out, to make money to just survive. like make money to eat to make money.
Yet what's so truly bad about that? more than half the world does it. And. there would be things to live for and enjoy too. Tinder dates. Or just. dates with women. Clubbing. Wow I love how the first thing that I say is a date. Yet, maybe that's partly how I'm....cultured? raised? no. none of those hahahaa. How I'm wired. To date and have a rotation or to build a relationship of some kind. And then what, still continue my online media shenanigans in hopes of being saved from that life? cause that life would go nowhere. But where does it need to go? That is life itself. that is. sustainability. Maybe that's not how I would define success. But to stay in a place, and fend for myself. That's sustainable.
*spends an hour looking at places and jobs on craigslist*
So if the problem is just the lack of success with my chosen career in media. Or my desired career in media, then that's....the same as many. California, where dreams go to die. SO many are obviously suffering this fate. So if it's only about choice in media. It's not that big of a deal. It's not actually life or death. It just feels like life or death. Cause it's life or death of that mind. That dream. That life I pictured for myself. Yeah it seems right, to be living amongst Tik Tokers, or whoever. That's in ways, the life I prepped myself for and imagined. But there's plenty of people like that. And if I work and survive / sustain, what's the worst that would happen there? I never buy a house and have a family? Big deal. If I sustain and make my media, I think that's all that matters to me. Especially when I say I enjoy it. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks then. If I work 8 hours a day, well, that's what most people do. Even some that are in the industry.
Okay wow. in a roundabout, inspiring.
hah.
Didn't expect any positive end from that whole spiel. seems I've found one.
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