1/13
I sit here, at 5:14AM on 1/14 with less than 50 words on my paper due at 2pm. I've sat around attempting to begin work on it since 10PM(wow I'm inconsistent with AM/PM capitalization). I probably put the first words on it at 2 or 3am. I really don't give a shit about this. It's such a weird feeling....writing a paper...an amalgamation of words to prove I know some shit for a class. To be judged by a letter and that this letter somehow contributes to the overall purpose and abilities of my life. I'm gladly writing/typing this blog spot to procrastinate...I can freely write, that isn't the problem...it's just the topic and the format. A formal paper where I am constantly judged is odd....I should just drop out tomorrow. Fuck this. At best, class will take me to a 9-5...even if it pays 100k, I don't want a 9-5. You reading this are probably going to do exactly this because you are a part of the system. We are the system. Fuck off. Fuck this world. Fuck everything.
Who cares about what I have to say? I really don't know. Who even cares about me? Yeah there's family and then friends who don't care. Where are the people besides family who I matter to. I can't name one. I can't remember the last time someone texted me and asked how I'm doing, how my day was, or anything along those lines.
I spent a lot of time reading news gossip/paparazzi shit and it's crazy how many things are blown up. "Rob Kardashian diagnosed with cancer! Rushed to hospital!" Well guess fuckin what you stupid news cunts. My grandpa died from cancer. No one gave a fuck, not his fuckin son at least. I couldn't go see him for his dying breath because of.....guess fuckin what? MONEY!!! The sole limiter in all of our lives. The sole motivator to every system. Even the music I make and pursue is usually epitomized by a record deal. In which the last person to be paid is the artist causing all the sales. Fuck the system. My sister asked me if I was suicidal, and I would NEVER EVER actually do that, but thoughts of it are ubiquitous. I have a purpose to be alive, and it's music. The only doubts I have are what if I put all my heart and time to music...and it goes nowhere. Then what am I? A dropout with no future? Although I could always work on my music and it would have to eventually garner enough fans to pay the bills. I feel confident as it is. "Let your drive for success overcome your fear of failure", someone once said to me...but it is far easier said than done. Why am I even worried about being a failure? What will I achieve by being a success in the eyes of......who? My parents? Well if I'm having trouble doing this paper, I sure as hell am not getting through 3 years and 2 quarters of this place. A place where no one cares about each other but that damn letter. Those damn letters. No not those!!! I wish they were U and I. I wish those were the letters that concerned everyone....what has happened to humans. I always compare things to how they were as primal humans. The idea of writing words was so obscure, how has that evolved into great amalgamations of 1,000 words into 4 page papers. How do these papers at all contribute to my ability to obtain food, water, and shelter. That's all I worry about. I want those needs, some music, and Wi-Fi. Call it done. I've thought about this before and oddly, I would be okay with being a deadbeat, just wake up, fuck with video games, music, basketball, and eat whatever my mom makes lol. Luckily I make good ass music so I won't be close to a deadbeat.
Let it be known though that if that doesn't work out, you'l find me bumming off my parents! Sike, they'd kick me out so quick. I guess I should try to do that paper? I'm not sure why I stayed up so late if I never planned on working on it...but maybe I couldn't/can't come to terms with the fact that I just can't do this. Welllll, it's definitely not a physical disability. But I can't get myself to do it.....I am unable to do it mentally. I am unable to find any motivation or desire to do this. I have the option to absolutely work on no classes this quarter and just focus on music. It is quite the ridiculous idea...or do I say it's ridiculous because of the "reputation" I have to maintain of conforming? Because I think it sounds ridiculous to you? Yeah that's the truth. And the truth is that I would love to do that, I just can't admit it. Actually, I can and I am. I, Akash Arora, Bad Ash, would absolutely LOVE to not attend class for the rest of the quarter. I can't say I didn't have a clue about this the same way I had no clue I wouldn't work on this paper because I had this thought a few days after moving in. I was thinking, "What am I doing here? Why am I here? What have I done? What if I don't go to class and just get the free housing and food?" Honestly, the obvious and only fear is that music doesn't work and I just fuck up the quarter and then I can't do shit because next quarter won't be enough to bring my GPA up enough to avoid getting dismissed from here. Well if I lie to my parents about my grades, I could come back for another quarter to keep working on music. Regardless, if I work solely on music for the next TWO WHOLE MONTHS, there is no way in fucking hell I don't get a shit ton better, a shit ton of material out, exposure, etc.
Who cares about what I have to say? I really don't know. Who even cares about me? Yeah there's family and then friends who don't care. Where are the people besides family who I matter to. I can't name one. I can't remember the last time someone texted me and asked how I'm doing, how my day was, or anything along those lines.
I spent a lot of time reading news gossip/paparazzi shit and it's crazy how many things are blown up. "Rob Kardashian diagnosed with cancer! Rushed to hospital!" Well guess fuckin what you stupid news cunts. My grandpa died from cancer. No one gave a fuck, not his fuckin son at least. I couldn't go see him for his dying breath because of.....guess fuckin what? MONEY!!! The sole limiter in all of our lives. The sole motivator to every system. Even the music I make and pursue is usually epitomized by a record deal. In which the last person to be paid is the artist causing all the sales. Fuck the system. My sister asked me if I was suicidal, and I would NEVER EVER actually do that, but thoughts of it are ubiquitous. I have a purpose to be alive, and it's music. The only doubts I have are what if I put all my heart and time to music...and it goes nowhere. Then what am I? A dropout with no future? Although I could always work on my music and it would have to eventually garner enough fans to pay the bills. I feel confident as it is. "Let your drive for success overcome your fear of failure", someone once said to me...but it is far easier said than done. Why am I even worried about being a failure? What will I achieve by being a success in the eyes of......who? My parents? Well if I'm having trouble doing this paper, I sure as hell am not getting through 3 years and 2 quarters of this place. A place where no one cares about each other but that damn letter. Those damn letters. No not those!!! I wish they were U and I. I wish those were the letters that concerned everyone....what has happened to humans. I always compare things to how they were as primal humans. The idea of writing words was so obscure, how has that evolved into great amalgamations of 1,000 words into 4 page papers. How do these papers at all contribute to my ability to obtain food, water, and shelter. That's all I worry about. I want those needs, some music, and Wi-Fi. Call it done. I've thought about this before and oddly, I would be okay with being a deadbeat, just wake up, fuck with video games, music, basketball, and eat whatever my mom makes lol. Luckily I make good ass music so I won't be close to a deadbeat.
Let it be known though that if that doesn't work out, you'l find me bumming off my parents! Sike, they'd kick me out so quick. I guess I should try to do that paper? I'm not sure why I stayed up so late if I never planned on working on it...but maybe I couldn't/can't come to terms with the fact that I just can't do this. Welllll, it's definitely not a physical disability. But I can't get myself to do it.....I am unable to do it mentally. I am unable to find any motivation or desire to do this. I have the option to absolutely work on no classes this quarter and just focus on music. It is quite the ridiculous idea...or do I say it's ridiculous because of the "reputation" I have to maintain of conforming? Because I think it sounds ridiculous to you? Yeah that's the truth. And the truth is that I would love to do that, I just can't admit it. Actually, I can and I am. I, Akash Arora, Bad Ash, would absolutely LOVE to not attend class for the rest of the quarter. I can't say I didn't have a clue about this the same way I had no clue I wouldn't work on this paper because I had this thought a few days after moving in. I was thinking, "What am I doing here? Why am I here? What have I done? What if I don't go to class and just get the free housing and food?" Honestly, the obvious and only fear is that music doesn't work and I just fuck up the quarter and then I can't do shit because next quarter won't be enough to bring my GPA up enough to avoid getting dismissed from here. Well if I lie to my parents about my grades, I could come back for another quarter to keep working on music. Regardless, if I work solely on music for the next TWO WHOLE MONTHS, there is no way in fucking hell I don't get a shit ton better, a shit ton of material out, exposure, etc.
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