Posts

Do I even exist?

I know that my existence isn't reliant on others. On the validation from others. Yet when I've spent...well over 4 years pursuing a career in Media....it's very much so. The validity of my choices and life path, rests on my success, which in a career in media, is fame and recognition. So when I am not recognized or validated by others, it in turn destroys the choices I've made. Like dropping out. I tell anyone that'll listen to STAY IN SCHOOL. But see, that always comes from one who made that choice and is hurting badly. One who is successful could not recommend it enough. I hear about all these entrepreneurs making money from all these weird ways. All these odd tricks. And in ways, I feel like I've done everything. Not that I've tried it all, and of course not "everything". But that which I could have done I know I know, there's so many excuses and no one cares. Not a soul cares. Maybe not a soul is reading this. But, it's a very diff
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2020 Vent

The world is against me. Crazy really. That's victimization at its core. But if I list all I've endured, one might think it too. For starters, half my body is broken. wooo i'm "lucky to be alive" but what good is life if this is the ending result. How can I have success in media without the validation from others? I've studied / learned so much spirituality, and it teaches disconnecting from others and their perceptions of us. Yet in ways that's all my career is. My chosen career. I'm aware of that. That I chose this career. And its ensuing drama. But I didn't choose the shortcomings. It really puts it into perspective when people start Music / Tik Tok after me and already have far more plays & followers. Literally. Just saw someone with two videos that have hit over a million each. And they started maybe a month ago? Meanwhile I waste away at hundreds. literally hundreds. I've tried to avoid a pity party. I really have. I've avoided n
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9/26

Wow omg i wrote a whole post and it disappeared . It went somethin like this Gah damn its been over 4 months. You know i have a daily alarm that says "write blog post" everyday at 9:30. Smh. Guess i dont want to. Well i think it would feed me obsessing over my past like i used to. But im not trippin anymore. I know ill make it, i can take my time. Im not afraid of time anymore. So i should post here. To tell of the plot of someone who ends up making it. My iPhone 8 arrived today! Sadly the case wont come til tomorrow so I wont open it yet. Not only to protect the device, but moreso because I only wanna see it in that sexy ass case! An anonymous homie came thru to rap. I think he'll pick it up. He wants it bad. He said he's in it for the money not the fame. Well I'm in it for the fame.
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5/7

I feel good, we been workin on music everyday, i did my own thing too today. Goo shit
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4/24

I bussed to ucla today. First of all that crazy bus driver wouldn't let me on even though I was slapping at the door. The next bus came 45 mins after that. I felt infuriated. Luckily there was someone for me to bitch with. I had fun at ucla, realized things are just how you react to them. I went to Kelly's Collective, smoked up at the lounge then dipped.
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4/6

Went to the doctor's appointment. Got a boot. Talked to dad about yelling less. Didn't respond well. Said he doesn't care. Wanna move out. Got an ent appointment tomorrow at 2
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4/3

Worked on some music, bmcdamans stuff. Played zelda with dad. Cleaned room. More music. Played zelda myself. Video chat with sav. Sleeping now. Gn.
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