2020 Vent

The world is against me. Crazy really. That's victimization at its core. But if I list all I've endured, one might think it too. For starters, half my body is broken. wooo i'm "lucky to be alive" but what good is life if this is the ending result. How can I have success in media without the validation from others? I've studied / learned so much spirituality, and it teaches disconnecting from others and their perceptions of us. Yet in ways that's all my career is. My chosen career. I'm aware of that. That I chose this career. And its ensuing drama. But I didn't choose the shortcomings. It really puts it into perspective when people start Music / Tik Tok after me and already have far more plays & followers. Literally. Just saw someone with two videos that have hit over a million each. And they started maybe a month ago? Meanwhile I waste away at hundreds. literally hundreds. I've tried to avoid a pity party. I really have. I've avoided negative emotions. Expressing them at least. I've faced them head on but I've never expressed them. In fact I'm even ashamed to share this. I always have a face of positivity. Which they say cockiness stems from insecurity. Quite a similar thing is it not. A face of extreme positivity to hide inner what. Inner destruction. Inner nothingness. Inner. Failure. This post isn't anything like I thought it would be. But I need to let this out. In some ways to everyone - also no one. This needed to come out. In ways the only thing stopping me from taking my life is the idea that then, people might think oh that's what happens when you drop out. But in many ways, it seems I've done it all, put in my all in to things, and they never reward me. In fact, simply playing basketball for some fitness has bit me in the ass. God, thankfully the one place I haven't actually injured lol. It started in 2014 with my left ankle, then 2015 my motorcycle accident, my left hip, if not others I don't know about, my knees I believe. Then in 2016 my right knee playing basketball. Didn't even hear it snap or anything just the next day major pain. soon after my left knee would deteriorate from picking up slack.....then....hm. my left elbow laying in bed on my phone for too long. Then the worst of them all, in 2018 december, I messed up my left shoulder BADD playing basketball. Easily the worst pain of them all. Everything's a chain. Everything's really a link...I think that's partly due to my left hip injury. Anyway, in total, I got my left and right knee, my left hip, my left shoulder, my left elbow, anddd. yeah. my brain. hahahahha totally fucked that bitch is.
It doesn't even feel like I got my entire feelings on this. It's not that I'm a failure.....it's like I don't even exist. It's like I haven't even been able to try. To have a fair shot. Fuck a fair shot. I haven't had any shot. Though it may seem like every video we post is a shot. Maybe a shot in the dark? Not even. It literally isn't even a shot for me. The algorithm ignores me. Like. I don't exist. Imagine that's really the case. If Instagram were to hate me for whatever reason. It could really ruin my career. Imagine all the damage that could do. Because they have a monopoly on fame right now. We measure people by their Instagram followers. Which is so stupid truly. I can't wait for a new social media platform. I remember when Twitter was the one. I can't wait for a new one...