Confidence

I've grown up in a family with no confidence. My mom was never confident and so obviously, my sister wasn't and thus I wasn't. I try hard to impress my parents. To feel that they are proud to have me and that I am meaningful to them. It feels like nothing but straight A's fulfills this hunger of theirs to feel pride in their son. I've learned so much about computers yet somehow, my parents are never impressed. Growing up, I thought what I knew was just normal, everyone in my generation must know it. In high school I learned that that's not true, my friend was somewhat impressed. Another person I met in Spanish class, was so impressed with what i knew and I felt great about it. I felt that what I know and spend alot of my childhood doing actually amounts to something. Recently, my sister hung out with her friend from high school after two years and she came home with a huge smile saying, "She was so happy to see me, I've never felt so wanted!" And that was the moment I realized that this isn't just me. I think it's more of a third world country thing, where it's not a thing to constantly treat your child like they're amazing. Why do white guys get girls? Not because they're white or look a certain way, they're just confident. It's more of a western thing to be really open about your love and especially show love amongst your family. My parents have never hugged in front of me. I've seen them hold hands once, January 2012, near the Madamme Tussauds Wax Museum, while we were walking towards it. It was Christmas season this year and my sister kept putting on movies from the Hallmark Channel and I told her to stop because as far as I know, love doesn't exist. I've only seen it in movies and TV shows. Anyway, his no confidence was/is a big issue in more ways than anyone could expect, with girls I used to not be confident enough to talk to girls, in basketball, I'm too nervous to shoot, which something similar, I'm sure that can apply to every sport, and a bunch of other things which I can't think of, or just don't apply to me specifically.

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